The new toast of the town Buffalo Bills drubbed the Colin Kaepernick-led San Francisco 49ers last Sunday and sent the visitors crying in their beer back to Whine Country.
The suddenly charging Bills are drunk on four straight, no chaser wins and have Bills fans drinking the spiked Koolaid and leaving The Lid in fine spirits.
And raise your glass to Lesean McCoy.
Shady was, well, staggering. McCoy made the 49ers look like they just downed several 40ozers; Shady’s second straight game with 100 yards by halftime. Every time McCoy touches the ball it’s intoxicatingly and there is talk of an MVP candidate.
The Niner defense was hamstrung all afternoon, and here’s to hoping Shady’s hamstring is healthy enough for him to play this Sunday after a mild to moderate sprain he suffered in practice Wednesday.
Dizzy Gillislee regained his TD Mike moniker and left San Fran linebackers dizzy with his sudden burst to pay dirt.
Efficient Bills’ QB Tyrod Taylor left the Niner front seven drooling with his dipsy doodle scrambling and throws on the run. He has been dinking and dunking responsibly all season with only two interceptions and a 4-1 TD to INT ratio. Then, just for good measure, TMobile upchucked a gorgeous 30 yard TD downfield to Justin Time Hunter.
The offensive line plastered and knocked back Frisco defenders as the Bills offense, aka “The Yard House,” seemed to be driving while intoxicated and ran up a staggering 312 yards rushing and nearly 500 total. Bill wide receivers, led by Robert Woods, kept chugging and chugging and their downfield blocking was not only exemplary but extraordinary. WR coach Sanjay Lal was Lol.
On defense, beer belly extraordinaire Rob Ryan has quietly led the Blue’s red zone defense into the NFL’s best. The Bills have not allowed a third down conversion inside the 20 yard line all year and have only given up touchdowns 33% of the time, which is bad breathtaking.
The Lorax continued to moonshine, racking up his league leading eighth sack in six outings. Kyle Williams potted Niner offensive lineman all day long. The Brown Brothers hit ballcarriers like Chip Kelly is hitting the bottle. Carlos Hyde all but hid all day.
Bills DBs gave the 9ers the heebee jeebees. Nickell Robey-Coleman continues to league the league in opponents passer rating against, and belted the Niner KR Keyshawn Martin on special teams, causing a fumble which put the game away.
SF’s much maligned, rotgut quarterback Colin Kaepernick was crapulous all afternoon against a stiff Bills defense and basically took a knee and tanked. He heard the boos and booze every time he took the field and was often knocked tipsy.
Kaep made a few scrambles with his legs but every time he bent his arm to throw he got more and more wobbly. Most every pass he threw up he, basically, well, threw up. Even his long TD pass was a bad toss.
Potato Chip Kelly was barely noticeable and seemed destined to go old school by the end of the season, leaving the game bleary-eyed and red-faced after an embarrassing showing. It was tough to swallow as The Bills dominated the game and won going away by 29 points.
Bills fans over-indulged and brought tailgating to a whole nother level, immortalized by a Deadspin video of some dude drunk on her butt.
It’s a sobering thought, but the Buffalo Bills are looking for their fifth straight win down in South Beach against the floundering Fins, who surprisingly upset the Steelers last week.
And now we are on to the hard stuff. But still, it is a game the Bills should win.
So come on down to the madhouse on Santa Monica for some more stimulants, stimulating conversation and free wings, and watch the Bills slug it out and sling it with the friggin’ Fish.
It’s fun to be drunk on wins.
By Pete Rosen